


take care

by grosskaneki



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Cuddles, Desperation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Omorashi, Pants wetting, Support, Vague Mention of Torture, Wetting, healthy relationship, hide is a wonderful wonderful wonderful bf, my poor son™, well more like humiliation/Extreme Comfort And Support but yknow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 08:03:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7524808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grosskaneki/pseuds/grosskaneki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>over and over again, kaneki neglects his own needs.</p><p> </p><p>(alternate title: Put Me Out Of My Missouri: Piss Emo Part Five)</p>
            </blockquote>





	take care

**Author's Note:**

> this is the unholy trinity of self-indulgent, projecting, and bad so please just hold the tomato throwing
> 
> i should warn that theres a use of the word p*ycho in this which i do not personally condone but i couldnt think of any other in-character fitting word im really sorry

Exhaustedly, Kaneki turns the handle of the apartment door, leaning against it until it opens, and limps in, breathing hard.

"Hide, I'm home," he calls, his voice summoning his boyfriend from their shared bedroom before he even manages to finish his sentence. As he catches a glimpse of the tattered and beaten state Kaneki's in, he immediately flits to the kitchen, gathering bandages and antiseptic.

"Geez, Kaneki, you're a wreck," Hide whines dramatically, his tone carrying a teasing edge. "Were you training or throwing yourself into moving traffic?!"

"It definitely felt like the latter, actually." He shifts uncomfortably, distracted. "But I'm fine, okay? You know that."

"The latter," Hide parrots sarcastically, throwing up his hands. "The _latter_. Who says that in normal conversation?" Briskly, he herds Kaneki towards the couch and sits him down, first aid supplies in tow. Hide's voice changes to a sort of teasingly affectionate lilt as he lightly taps his nose with a finger. "You gotta stop worrying me like that, Mr. Literature Student. I don't like seeing you all hurt and beat up."

If Kaneki were a more petty person, he would correct him with _"you mean_ beaten _up"_ , but he isn't—and besides, there's something more important on his mind at the moment. 

It's embarrassing to admit, even just to himself, but he hasn't visited a bathroom since before he left, and his bladder has been rather uncomfortably full for a while; now, though, it's especially urgent—he's starting to nervously squirm and shift his weight from foot to foot. He feels the need to empty his bladder as soon as possible to avoid any sort of embarrassing situation, especially with how persistent his urge has become and how long his battlesuit normally takes him to get off. 

As Hide reaches over to unwrap a roll of bandages, Kaneki's voice interrupts the comfortable quiet. "Wait a minute. I need to—" _—use the bathroom_ , he tries to finish, but doesn't, for a number of reasons.

He cuts himself off at the sudden silence, the way Hide immediately stops and looks at him when he speaks the word 'wait', his eyes scanning Kaneki carefully to ensure that he's comfortable and okay—he can't bring himself to finish his sentence. Momentarily caught off guard, Hide's face loses its teasing smirk for an expression of genuine concern and a worried sort of caring. Kaneki knows—they both know—that this little ritual is far more for Hide's benefit than his own; he'll heal naturally by tomorrow morning, so it's essentially pointless for Hide to bandage him. He doesn't talk about it, but Kaneki figures that the process helps Hide, allows him to reassure himself that his boyfriend is alive and well and safe. He understands—he'd do the exact same thing, in Hide's position. In addition, there's a part of Kaneki, a small, soft, fragile part of him that he keeps hidden deep in the forged armor around his heart, that craves the positive attention, adores being cared for and treated gently for once. Hide has a way of drawing that part out of him and thoroughly showering it in love and care, making him feel like his old self again, if only for a little while.

But, then again, he _really_ needs to piss.

"Is something wrong?" Hide asks after a moment, gentle, hesitant, and Kaneki shakes his head resolutely, telling himself that he's not a kindergartner, he can hold it for ten goddamn minutes—in the end, he just can't say no to that face. Hide looks kind of like a puppy, actually.

Kaneki presses a reassuring kiss to his nose. "It's nothing," he breathes, squirming slightly. "I'm fine. Keep going."

Hide nods, smiling warmly, and lifts up both of his arms, rolling up his sleeves, careful to avoid gripping his wrists or the places where he's bruised, but still keeping a secure hold on him while he dabs antiseptic on the open cuts. On some level—not his conscious mind or sense of reason, apparently, because here he still is, getting more desperate by the second instead of going off to relieve himself—Kaneki knows he's screwed. In just the past five minutes, he's gone from being able to carry himself almost normally (minus the burning red on his face) despite the overwhelming fullness of his bladder to squirming noticeably, his legs pressed together tightly, biting his lip out of anxiety and an attempt to keep himself quiet.

Hide's talking, playfully lecturing him about taking care of himself and not to worry him by getting hurt, but it barely reaches Kaneki's ears; he's lost in his own thoughts, too much of his mental energy occupied by the need to empty his bladder to listen attentively. He's telling himself over and over that he can make it, he can hold it, Hide will be done soon, but it's such an obvious lie that even he can tell that it's a rather pathetic attempt at consoling himself. His only saving grace, dignity-wise, is that Hide seems just as distracted as he is, his hands so occupied with gingerly bandaging Kaneki's arms that he doesn't seem to notice the way he's squirming, the way his thighs are shaking and pressed close together as he tries desperately to stay still.

A wave of desperation hits, and he's suddenly trembling all over, his mouth opening slightly before he bites down on his lip, hard, to keep any sort of pathetically desperate sound from escaping his lips. ' _Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up_ ' is playing on loop in his head—he can feel his control slipping, and if he could only just hold himself he'd be able to last a little longer, but Hide's holding both of his arms now, and he's mentally begging him to just _let go_ already because he has to go so fucking _bad_ —

Kaneki feels his underwear dampen slightly as just a small spurt of urine leaks out of him, but desperation quickly gives way to panic anyway, and he starts leaking uncontrollably. His breathing goes shallow as he barely manages to get his aching, overfull bladder back under control with every ounce of energy his exhausted body has left in it, stopping himself just as a small, damp stain leaks through his pants. He's frantic now—small whines are breaking through the vise grip his teeth have on his lips, and he'd consider just giving up and running to the bathroom, consequences be damned, if he wasn't certain that he'd lose control as soon as he moved even an inch—and it's a bittersweet sort of relief when Hide _finally_ lets go of his arms. 

Bittersweet, as in: his hands, on reflex, immediately shove themselves into his crotch as soon as they're released, allowing him to relax just the slightest bit, but also making it abundantly clear what his situation is to Hide. A pathetic feeling of helplessness overtakes him at the realization that his boyfriend is seeing him holding himself like a preschooler, and his normal reaction would have been to run to the bathroom and lock himself in for a week, if he could just get himself to _move_ —his limbs are too shaky to cooperate with even standing up.

Hide's first instinct is to grasp Kaneki's upper arms and lift him to his feet, gently ushering him towards the hall, murmuring reassuringly, "Kaneki, hey, it's okay... Let's get you to the bathroom, alright?"

His voice is even and calm when he speaks, but Kaneki isn't meeting his eyes, and can't discern what Hide's emotion towards the situation is. His brain settles on "anger and disgust", working from past experience, and his body reacts accordingly, freezing up entirely and unable to correctly comply with the way Hide is moving him. Any momentary relief he received from holding himself is gone; standing up and moving around seemingly canceled it out, and Kaneki's panicking, his face burning, mumbling obscenities (directed at himself) and apologies (directed at Hide) under his breath, his hands starting to feel damp, droplets starting to trickle uncomfortably down his thighs.

His knees buckle, and he can hear the splatter of urine hitting the floor. "No," he mutters out loud, denying what's clearly about to happen. He can't piss himself, not in front of Hide. He isn't a child. "God, no..." 

Kaneki falters, trailing off mid-sentence, and he desperately avoids Hide's gaze as he feels the control over his own bodily functions slipping away from him. He can't hold it anymore. He _can't_. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Fuck, I-I can't— Don't look at me. Please, don't—"

His voice breaks at the exact moment he loses control completely.

A shaky gasp falls from his lips as his bladder empties itself, urine flooding the skintight material of his clothes and clinging damply to his skin. Kaneki can feel tears burning hot behind his eyes, but focuses all of his energy on not letting them fall over the brim of his eyelids. If there's one thing he refuses to do in front of Hide if he can help it, it's cry—but it's hard, so hard to hold back tears when he's standing in front of the person he admires most, pissing in his pants like a preschooler. The only thing he can do is repeatedly choke back sobs, helplessly watching as he uncontrollably wets himself. He's trembling with the effort he's putting in to regain control of his bladder, to just _stop_ —his hands are still shoved futilely between his thighs—but he can't; his body's need for release is apparently stronger than he is, and it's that fact that sets his face burning red with shame—he just feels so weak, so helpless and disgusting. As he soaks the absorbent, tight material, the stain spreads across his legs and drips to the floor, piss streaming down his thighs, the sensation uncomfortable and warm and wet and awful, until the stream trickles off and he's finally left as a pathetic, trembling thing, dripping with and standing in a puddle of his own bodily fluid, his infamous, fear-inspiring battlesuit soaked completely in urine. His hands, wet with his own piss and clenched tightly, dangle pointlessly at his sides as he shakes with relief and humiliation, their removal from between his legs a sign of the degree to which he's given up on himself.

Just as soon as he'd lost control, Kaneki's desperation is finally gone, and he wonders for a moment if, under different circumstances, he would've been able to enjoy the pleasant feeling of relief that had shot up his spine. As it is, he _needs_ to get away from Hide immediately, because he's finding it harder and harder to draw breath and there's a sick, tangled feeling in his chest that he recognizes but has no idea how to deal with. But—his grip is still steady on Kaneki's upper arms.

For all of his eloquence and intelligence, every word in Kaneki's vocabulary besides swears and the word 'sorry' is currently gone from his vocabulary. "Fuck," he mumbles, particularly focused on a certain ball of dust on the floor, and then, again, "God damn it." His tone wavers significantly, far from the emotionless monotone he was aiming for, and he flinches—unintentionally, he's given away how upset he actually is. Again. "Damn it, I'm— I'm sorry..."

And then—and then there are arms around him, tight and warm and strong and comfortable all at once, and fingers tangle gently into soft, brittle white hair; quiet murmurs of his name and reassurances along the lines of "it's alright, you're okay, it was an accident" echo in his ears. Kaneki doesn't understand why Hide's doing this, why he's being so gentle and kind, but he starts crying anyway. It's not in broken little sniffles and weak, soft, wobbly-voiced sobs like he used to, but in silent tears sporadically coursing down his pale cheeks, no movement in his icy expression. As if the hug from his boyfriend opens up whichever part of him had been closed off, words trip over each other out of Kaneki's lips as he frantically tries to justify himself, to give some sort of reasoning.

"Hide, I— god damn it, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen, it just— I should've— earlier, before, I should have just gone then, but, _fuck_ , I just— it's so fucking weak of me, to stop training just because I have to piss, that's pathetic— and now I, ugh, I— I know how important it is to you, this, this thing we do with you patching me up, and I didn't want to interrupt you, and—and I just— I couldn't hold it. I thought I'd be able to, but I fucking— I can't. I'm sorry." His fists tighten and then unclench as he speaks, and he unsuccessfully attempts to choke back another sob.

"Oh, _Kaneki..._ " Hide's voice is soft, too soft, and at first Kaneki misinterprets his tone as pity—the last thing he wants. But then Hide repeats himself, and he revises his judgement—no, not pitying, not condescending, he sounds...worried. Concerned, maybe.

"If you need the bathroom, you can just— _go_." He's slow, careful in his wording, and he pulls back so he can meet the pair of gray eyes, gently rubbing a tear off Kaneki's cheek in a surprisingly tender gesture. Hide's expression, now that he's finally getting a good look at it, exudes kindness and reassurance, but with a certain determination in his eyes. "I won't get mad at you. Nobody will get mad at you. You need to take care of yourself, okay?"

Shit—Hide had seen right through him, right to his deeper worries, just as usual. In a way, it reassures him, the way Hide seems to know him better than he knows himself; Kaneki does, however, feel that he owes his boyfriend a partial explanation.

"Yamori," he mumbles, and Hide snaps to attention, his eyes growing sharp, secondhand anger written all over his expression at just the mention of the name.

"I mean—" Kaneki balls one hand into a fist and presses it to his forehead— "see, I was chained to that goddamn chair for ten days straight, and it's not like the psycho who tortured me gave me fucking bathroom breaks," he spits bitterly. It's sarcastic, but there's a brittleness behind it—he's forcing the edge of irony, trying to keep himself from thinking about it too seriously. A strangled, mirthless laugh burbles up from his throat.

"And he wasn't exactly _understanding_ , when I—" His voice wavers, and he cuts himself off there, figuring that Hide gets the gist. "Yeah."

He finally meets Hide's eyes, and the tangle of emotions startles him—sympathy, anger, concern, helplessness, sorrow, caring, they're all there, all on Kaneki's behalf.

"I'm so sorry." Hide's arms wrap around him, and he accepts the embrace, tucking his head against his boyfriend's chest as hands reassuringly rub his back and his hair is stroked gently. He sounds odd, almost choked up. "I'm so, so sorry he hurt you, Ken."

"I'll be fine," Kaneki replies quietly, just as he always does, just as he likely always will.

A moment later, he's overwhelmed with sudden guilt, and he pushes away from the hug, avoiding Hide's concerned gaze. "I'm sorry," he mutters ashamedly. "I wasn't thinking. I don't want to get you wet."

"Kaneki, no, it's fine. I don't mind," he responds. His arms are slightly open, an invitation that's kind and welcoming but not forceful, and, slowly, Kaneki accepts it, tentatively leaning against his chest, still shaking a bit.

Lightly, Hide drapes an arm around Kaneki's shoulders, ruffling his hair gently and playfully. His voice is soft when he speaks, and he's offering a kind, bright, steady smile. "It's okay to make mistakes and have accidents sometimes, 'neki." He hums softly, reassuringly rubbing Kaneki's tense shoulders. "But you need to pay attention to your own needs too, 'kay? I just want you to be healthy and take care of yourself."

Gray eyes ringed with sleepless black gaze back at him, and it's striking how clearly mentally and physically exhausted Kaneki is, though he tries not to show it. He looks away, cracking a knuckle, and dispassionately mumbles something about that not mattering, that he just needs to become stronger, and Hide's smile falters, giving way to an expression of deep concern.

"Kaneki, you—" Very gently, he cradles his chin with his hand and lifts it up, guiding him to meet his eyes— "you shouldn't do that to yourself." Hide's hand shifts to his boyfriend's cheek, where he rubs away a few residual tears. "You're doing really well, you _are_ , it's just—it isn't healthy for you to neglect your needs. I don't want you to overwork yourself."

"I'm not going to—" Kaneki protests, but Hide taps a finger to his lips, managing to playfully interject with, "This is _my_ health lecture, so shush your handsome, interrupting mouth." That earns him a slight shift in the glacier that is Kaneki's expression, and he celebrates by allowing himself another bright grin before continuing.

"It's okay to take breaks or rest if you need a break, hon. Actually, you _need_ to or you might hurt yourself." He gives a quick, gentle ruffle of Kaneki's hair. "Promise me you'll do that?"

"I will," he mutters, clearly trying to appease Hide, but it just spurs him into talking more.

"I mean it, 'neki. If you're thirsty, then drink; if you're tired, then rest; if you're uncomfortable, then let someone know what's wrong and take a break; if you need the bathroom, then—"

"I get the idea, Hide," Kaneki splutters, his cheeks reddening. "I will, I swear, okay? I won't make you deal with that anymore."

"Kaneki, _honey_..." It's the same tone as earlier, the one he couldn't quite place, but he thinks he understands where Hide's coming from now—he can practically feel the support and care radiating off of him. "It's not about me 'dealing' with you. I don't mind at all. I already said it earlier—it's completely fine to have accidents and make mistakes. It's about you being healthy and comfortable and _okay_." He presses a caring, chaste kiss to his forehead, and, as Hide's lips linger against the pale, cold skin, he swears he can feel him warm up by a few degrees instantaneously.

Kaneki's icy demeanor cracks to reveal a crooked, imperfect, wonderful smile, and Hide considers it mission accomplished.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" he asks, still with that lopsided grin, like he hasn't been happy in a long while and is only just remembering how, like he's calling back the muscle memory from expressions he hasn't made in weeks—which is mostly true, actually.

"Hey, I just want to remember that beautiful smile for a while." Hide beams, squeezing Kaneki close, and laughs at how flustered he suddenly becomes at the slightest display of affection.

"You dork," Kaneki teases fondly, simultaneous with Hide's affectionate exclamation of "you nerd", and he keeps smiling, more brightly now than ever.

"Hey, so... I'm sure you must feel kinda gross and uncomfortable, right? Do you wanna go run yourself a shower?" Hide asks gently. Kaneki hesitates at this question before shaking himself—he _is_ uncomfortable, distractingly so. He's damp and sticky and cold, dripping with urine still, not to mention that his soiled, tight clothing is starting to chafe his thighs, and a nice, long, hot shower would be a godsend. 

He nods in agreement after a moment of deliberation, and Hide grins encouragingly. "I'll be right here to cuddle when you're done, if you want."

"I'd like that." Kaneki hums happily and comfortably, smiling to himself, and gives Hide a quick, sweet kiss before heading off to get himself cleaned up and taken care of.

**Author's Note:**

> emo_piss.txt
> 
> i am So Sorry you had to read this but also please comment bc I Thrive


End file.
